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Archives for August 2021

#53: Getting stuck and unstuck

August 20, 2021

Humans tend to live out a cyclical pattern of getting stuck and unstuck; certainly over the years, months and weeks but sometimes over shorter windows of days and even hours. Our approach to getting unstuck makes a material difference in who we become. Getting stuck and unstuck might look different for each of us from the outside but what is likely similar is the internal environment. 

For me, “stuck” has felt first like a mental followed by an emotional valley, moments where everything seems just a bit harder and solutions don’t come easy but the questions keep surfacing. Where the mental chasm between life’s demands and what I feel prepared to handle might increase a bit. When all of a sudden, in the mornings, the bed feels more magnetic and just a bit safer. Where the recurring internal optimism is met by a faint but definite voice of a cynic that sows seeds of self-doubt, calling that optimist a fool. Where the wiser me doesn’t jump in to troubleshoot because it hasn’t been fed the nourishment of solitude, reflection and self-care. When I find myself in such a space, I often realize that it had been on slow boil and I failed to see the signs and “weed the mental garden” in time, only to now find the mind overrun with aggressive vines. It’s often such a subtle shift at first when the thoughts start marching on a downward trajectory. I have also noticed that this always happens when the connection to self is lost and my actions lose the benefit of oversight from my steady, wise and compassionate internal observer.

Getting stuck for me is an entirely mental thing.

The unstuck similarly doesn’t arrive with a big bang. It often begins with the simple yet hard-to-do act of listening to my body. Historically, it’s has been a challenge for me to pause and tune into the embedded wisdom in the body when the mind is running in loops. My particular internal programming would rather I do all the work first and then anything else. When the stress knots arrive, my tendency is to push harder on the gas pedal as if I could outrun and outwork the knot to make it dissolve. It never does. What does happen is that the tasks become Sisyphean―laborious and ineffective. When the mind is overrun with action, the last thing I want to do is take an active pause; by which I mean a pause to understand the fear that underlies all that action and stress (yes, it’s always fear of some sort). That knot in the belly, the labored breathing, the sleeplessness, the tight jaw are often the physical manifestation of a deeper undercurrent, and it’s hard to wade through the pulsating fear when we’re already overwhelmed. This is where things like journaling, breath work, yoga, and other rhythmic movement practices like hiking, walking, and dance come in. They create a safe silence that allows the spidery fears to start crawling out from the nooks so we can see them for what they are.

All fear―fear of failure, fear of not amounting to anything, fear of not being understood, fear of losing trust and respect, fear of losing physical or mental faculties over time…you name it―is ultimately the fear of being othered, of being cast out of the tribe, of not being loved for exactly who we are. Imperfect, afraid and yet deeply desirous of love and belonging. And these fears don’t just create emotional pain, they turn into physical aches and pains. 

Getting unstuck typically requires some physical shift followed by a connection to trusted others. And the thing that felt so big starts to dissolve and lose its hold.

Our fundamental human need to belong and be loved is often at the root of getting stuck, and that unconditional belonging and love from ourselves and others is often what gets us unstuck to propel us forward. The hardest thing of all is to show to someone that we are afraid and need them. The mental and physical shifts are certainly important but they are a precursor to then asking our trusted humans for support and care.

We can stop the work at the mental and physical shifts and get back to productivity or we can add that extra splash of human care and make the journey both fruitful and worthwhile.

(I am deeply and lovingly grateful to my humans who got me unstuck last week!)

“A life truly lived constantly burns away veils of illusion, burns away what is no longer relevant, gradually reveals our essence, until, at last, we are strong enough to stand in our naked truth.”— Marion Woodman

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#52: What kind of an X, Y or Z will I be?

August 13, 2021

What kind of a change-agent will I be? What kind of a parent might I be? Will I make a difference in the world through my writing, entrepreneurship, both, or something else? Can I create material impact? What kind of an athlete could I have been; and could I build parts of that potential despite long-term injuries, and decades later than typical? Do I have the ability to travel to a culturally rich hotspot in the middle-east on my own? How long will it take to become this new iteration of me?

None of these questions can be answered just by thinking. They require action. We will never know what kind of <insert dream here> we could be until we start walking and falling on that path. The key is knowing which path is ours and which isn’t. Not which we have decided is ours because of optics and others expectations of us.

The kicker is that sometimes it’s not that easy to parse out which hopes and dreams are intrinsically ours, which have been lovingly welcomed through osmosis with others, and which are not ours and should be gracefully set aside. That osmosis by the way isn’t a bad thing, it’s a natural offshoot of human bonding and can be healthy or unhealthy based on the situation. It takes a heavy dose of self-reflection and honesty to know oneself and acknowledge that while a path may speak to us, we may not be well-suited for it yet, or suited within a certain context, or ever.

Perhaps this question can help clarify if it’s even worth taking the first step: “Do I innately feel it is worthwhile to take a few exploratory steps on this path?”. If the answer from deep inside is no, then please listen. Life is too short to waste on unfulfilling endeavors. If the answer is a yes, take that step despite fear but know that anything worthwhile takes time. We don’t get results day one or even year one. Even if it’s worthwhile, it often is a process of discovery and change. We dream the questions, and then live them.

“One of the loneliest things you can find is somebody who is in the wrong kind of work.”― John O’Donohue

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#51: The actor. The director. The actor and director.

August 9, 2021

I like John Krasinski because of how he actively embraces all parts of his creativity, from acting and writing to directing across genres. I admire how he kindles his intent with a mix of humility and courage to bring projects to fruition. He also seems to partner well with other heavy-hitters. I enjoy knowing how he’s evolving, even if I’m not the audience for that work. Since I pay attention when I hear of his new projects, I watched this 10-minute video where he breaks down a scene from his latest movie, A Quiet Place-II.

I was struck by what he said at the 9:33 mark. He explains why acting in a movie he directs is helpful for him as a director. That when he is on set with the actors, he can shape the energy of the scene as he goes; whether it’s whispering encouragement to someone or modulating and cuing their emotions through his own acting. For example, if he needs someone to be more emotional, he can act more emotional and they pick up the cue. He says – “You can weirdly direct through your acting, which is really fun”. Interesting!

Another thing that’s interesting is that a whole movie is built like this, scene by scene. Even when he is the actor engaged in the scene, the director part of him doesn’t leave…it’s right there all along, guiding him and through him the others. Showing up like this in every interaction requires sustained intellectual and emotional presence. John, the director, has a vision of the end goal and clarity around how every scene, resource and actor plays into it. While there is planning, there seems to be a fair bit of improvisation during execution. To do this well, he has to create an environment where all actors are aligned with the overarching vision and in sync with how that vision is brought to life; an environment where they have the psychological safety to bring their full expression to the performance and also improvise with good judgment. Isn’t that exactly what good leadership is?

Good leaders have a north star and a thoughtful execution map, they assemble the resources, the right skills and team; they set the board upon which the game is played. But they also make thoughtful adjustments to shape the team’s trajectory as the play unfolds. In films, not all directors have the benefit of being actors but in business most senior-leaders were once individual contributors, functional specialists, operatives, middle-managers etc. As they progress into leadership roles, they sometimes lose touch with their internal “actor” because of the many high-stakes demands of leadership. But what if there was a way for them to periodically jump in the scene with their team to see first-hand, understand and learn from them? (Without micromanagement of course). Would it help them lead better? Would it make their own journey, in Krasinski’s words, “more fun”?

“Observation is a passive science, experimentation an active science.”― Claude Bernard

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#50: The gears of attention

August 6, 2021

Over the last month, my attention has been diverted towards a talkative and high-energy addition to my household. As I adjust my routines and environment for my new cat, she seems to be on a mission to dismantle my concentration, sleep, and schedule. As a first time pet-friend, I didn’t realize how these early stages can present a new problem on a daily basis and as I solve my way through, I’ve been thinking about the role of attention in our lives.

The quality and makeup of our attention is often what determines the state of our mind, emotions, and actions. Over time, these everyday things color and define a life. Attention also determines our time-spent. Time-consumed. Time-felt. Time-lived. In this sense attention is really the essense of time. So, here are some musings around attention:

  • Can one be addicted to focus? I’ve figured out the routine that works with my rhythms and work demands. I find that writing is best done in the mornings, when I have access to my internal silence, and the business-related work requires deep and sustained focus to absorb and thread together new ideas. After trial and error, I arranged my life in a relatively effective schedule. The cat has made it clear that this precision is sometimes untenable. Ofcourse our rhythms crave structure but when circumstances toss that structure out the window, we’re better off responding and not reacting. Here is a sequential summary of my reaction: frantic problem solving, followed by frustration, then detonation; and finally curiosity, which made it easier to experiment (7 different wet foods, ~12 toys, 2 pet gates, 2 rugs, 3 different furniture-scratching repellants…I could go on). The point is that my concentration and focus can’t be dependent on library-level orchestration and I have to mold new structures and rituals that are more permeable. A small example: In the past, I would shut the office door to signal the start of my work day but the cat becomes overly needy and disruptive if I don’t leave it ajar for her to come and go as she pleases. My new ritual is to take a few breaths when I arrive at my desk. I also expect her unexpected arrival knowing that her interruptions are typically no longer than five-minutes. Part of cultivating presence is cultivating presence towards whatever comes up but it’s easier said than done. We create an illusion of control precisely because we don’t know what will come up. I read somewhere that “confidence is more bending, confidence doesn’t clutch control.” It rings true.
  • How can we intentionally switch attention? Mindfulness practices recommend that we put our minds where our hands are. Working parents are forced to do this–they switch gears towards work deliverables and have to keep the kids out of focus and then at home, they have to be present to whatever comes up, even when they are depleted. But their boundaries often need to be permeable, as we’ve seen even more clearly during the Covid-era. While caring for a pet is not the same as caring for a child, the desire to keep this creature safe and thriving, and the moments of disruption feel oddly similar. I’m going to actively apply the “put your mind where your hands are” philosophy as she settles in.
  • And most importantly…what deserves our attention? While this is a very personal question, when we get down to the fundamentals, anything that moves us towards more equanimity, love and connection deserves attention. Loving someone can be quite a growth oriented practice. We don’t control the object of our affection and their outcomes, we can’t always control how they impact us, yet we love them. That unconditionality of presence, the come what may. That is what giving attention to love teaches us. When we exchange love, care, affection and accompaniment with someone, we build their foundation and ours. Yes, even if that someone is a cat.

“Your task is to love what you don’t understand.”― Rainer Maria Rilke

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