It was my birthday this week, so I had an in-built opportunity to reflect on my life as I start another trip around the sun.
My experience of being me has silently shifted in the last few years. There is a part of me that holds back on doing the things I love because they feel selfish at some level. Engaging with them requires shifting focus away from something that I believe is serving others towards something that only seems to benefit me. This includes physical, creative and intellectual activities like swimming, dancing, traveling to a culture I really want to experience, or immersing myself in a book; instead of working, doing chores, or helping someone.
Until a few years ago I was mostly unaware that this internal dynamic was at play. I simply prioritized things that made life feel more secure in some way for myself or another. There are many psychological layers here and my goal isn’t to dive deep into them. The gist is that this suppression of self was immensely detrimental to my own well-being and my ability to contribute to others. I recall feeling little resonance with the life I was creating and how I was using time in my everyday. I remember thinking that I didn’t feel like myself, dress like myself or look like myself. I felt lonely but wasn’t sure why. I felt like something had gone wrong but I didn’t know what.
In 2020, I started tapping into the ideas that spoke to me. I then started pursuing the activities and interests that drew me in. My everyday thoughts and actions started mirroring my deepest curiosities, interests and aspirations; creating a uniquely personal constellation within which my days started nesting and sprouting.
Over the last few weeks I’ve realized that doing this has literally produced energy within myself. I’ve noticed an increase in my mental energy for attention, absorption and problem solving; in my emotional energy for joy, resilience, and navigating change; and my physical energy for movement and recovery. And then there is the profound spiritual energy of connection: to self, to others, to all of nature’s cyclical patterns. With all these energies finally at concurrent play within me, I feel more integrated, well-resourced and joyful. My psyche doesn’t feel so fragmented. I don’t feel the need to chase every shiny object or idea. I know what I am made for and what I am not made for. My internal curiosities and nudges have led me to a level of self-knowledge I didn’t have before. This loving connection to self isn’t selfish. It is freeing, stabilizing, nurturing and joyful. It is the definition of thriving.
And I am better able to contribute to others from this place of thriving.
“This is an invitation to join your life.
Without fear or bravado.
No performance or perfection, bring the real you.
Imperfect. Evolving. Fully here.
Like a gangly wildflower, root into who you are.
Then show up for other wildflowers, just as they are.
Each of us different and unique.
Fully growing and glowing.
Just like plants.
We root down to rise up.
Whatever that means uniquely for each of us.
Underneath the surface, we are holding hands.
Reaching out and reaching back.
Feels like another’s hand is on our back.
To create societies that come alive.
Touch this invitation to join your life.
Join. Your one life.”
— Suparna Chhibber
Written in 2021, as I was starting to tap into myself
