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Archives for June 2023

#111: Making our physical lives more magnetic

I didn’t grow up with internet and didn’t have my own computer until I moved to the States. I remember writing physical letters not out of novelty but out of need. I remember using calling cards to connect with my family in India, and how distant their voices and lives felt. So I immensely value our abundance of tools and technology; and the ease and opportunity they’ve created in our personal, work and social lives. Every part of my life feels more expansive and fluid than it might have been without these tools. I can safely say that I find this tech-supported bounty undeniably magnetic.

And no matter what side of the tech debate you favor, one thing we can all likely agree on is that the massive leaps underway in computing will make our online lives even more expansive and magnetic: whether it takes the shape of generative AI, quantum computing, Apple’s mixed reality headset or something else. There are plenty of thoughtful perspectives out there on the potential and peril of these technologies so my goal isn’t to probe those here. I want to examine our physical and offline lives a bit.

Most of us already tend to live in and through our intellect, and away from our bodies. Our days pull us deeper and deeper into the mind. We read, write, process information, create and communicate ideas, and have conversations. On turbulent and busy days, we hold our breath, clench our jaw, forget to drink water, and don’t move our bodies. When we don’t have time and mental space to tune-in to the body, we very easily tune out. I’ve lived for years in this tuned-out way. In fact so tuned out from the body that injuries and harmful habits went completely unnoticed even when my body―my precious earthly home―sent me the strongest signals it possibly could. Injuries, aches, lack of sleep, stress-eating and workaholism went easily ignored and suppressed for years. Similarly, it has taken years of patient and countercultural practice to learn to hear my body speak, to step out of the fertile world of my mind and into the awe-inspiring world of my body and physical senses.

Our upcoming innovations will cut two ways: they will make our online world more magnetic and attractive, and our offline one feel more tedious and boring by comparison. They will make it easier to forget that we are living organisms with built-in barometers that not only help us survive but thrive. That our bodies are a source of exploration, understanding, connection, and joy. That they deserve respect as the most sophisticated technology ever made. That unlike the online world, our bodies ping in more subtle, nuanced and easily missed ways. 

Our human future depends entirely on us being able to create a physical life that is way more magnetic than the online one.

“Boredom, rooted in a fundamental discomfort with the self, is one of the least tolerable mental states.”― Gabor Maté, physician and author specializing in treatment of addiction.

From the book― In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

#110: Communication is an act of trust

Communication training is now a cottage industry. We’re no longer limited to places like Toastmasters that promote public speaking through practice. We now have many nuanced options; we can learn how to become an impressive Tedx speaker or get voice training from the guy who coached Bradley Cooper for his singing role. I’m sure we can all benefit from these skills. After all, most of us speak to communicate for a majority of our lives.

I’ve communicated across contexts and cultures and I imagine like everyone reading this, I have been successful at times and failed miserably at others. I’ve been called both charismatic and a wallflower. I’ve wanted to step onstage and also hide. I’ve been complimented on my strong voice and I’ve also noticed a tendency to suppress/muffle it when I feel unsafe. I’ve felt a hoarseness and physical constriction of a sore throat just by not speaking up in my normal volume and timbre. The kicker is that all this happened within the same year without me changing anything about myself. I had different experiences in different spaces populated by different sub-cultures and norms. 

My personal experiences point to a missing piece in all this talk about communicating well. My ability to communicate fully without holding back in content or tone was impacted by my emotional state and the receptiveness of others. Here are the combinations of inputs I experienced and the resulting outcomes:

  • I was in my element in front of a receptive audience: things went swimmingly.
  • I had my internal reserves and faced a difficult audience: I spoke well enough and powered through. This powering through felt like a one-sided attempt at communicating and didn’t feel good inside. After many iterations of this, I started feeling a burnout and lack of psychological safety.
  • I was navigating a difficult life event (I’ll call it event 1) and was faced with uncaring and combative listeners: I found it much harder to get the words out and just wanted to be invisible so I could recover.
  • I was navigating an even more difficult life event  (event 1 above + event 2 shortly after) and found a kind space and an audience primed for listening: I found my voice and confidence again.

I’ve given myself fully to a space, a team and a message with courage even when I felt an internal trembling. I noted that the trembling would disappear as soon as I found my voice. And it was often in response to the faces that looked back with an openness and a commitment to listen and engage. I’ve held back when I felt unsafe. No one was coming after my life but I couldn’t help but turn inwards.

So, yeah, I’m sure all these communication tools will help me speak better, hold an audience’s attention, command a physical space, and deliver a powerful message to change minds and hearts. But what I fundamentally crave is spaces of trust where I don’t always have to be perfect and self-assured to share the messages I need to share.

Not everyone has the time or money to get these communication trainings but we all have the ability to deepen our listening. Because naturally powerful speaking, that we all are capable of, is because of other people’s ability to listen and not the other way around.

So I’d like to offer this framing to capture the underlying dynamic we miss― communicating well is an outcome of trust. Trust that you will listen and create a safe space for me to find my voice rather than squashing me at the first wobble.

“Giving does not only precede receiving; it is the reason for it. It is in giving that we receive.”― Israelmore Ayivor, Ghanian youth leader, author and speaker

A couple of practices that have taught me how to listen better. Listening better will be a lifelong practice but I’m learning. 

  • Non Violent Communication (NVC): Developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a communication approach based on principles of nonviolence. It is a method designed to increase empathy and improve quality of life. It is not a technique to end disagreements.
  • Theory U: Developed by Otto Scharmer and his colleagues at MIT, Theory U is an awareness-based method for changing systems. It’s designed to break through unproductive patterns of behavior that prevent from empathizing with other perspectives, which often lock us into ineffective decision making. One of the tools they offer is a listening assessment.
  • My meditation practice: Even though I am learning and applying these new tools as best as I can, the dots connected when I sat in silence.