Working Meditation

Observations on Human Connection & Contribution

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#77: Sustainable is inherently relational

Transaction: An exchange or an interaction between two or more things or entities. It’s a communicative action involving two or more units that reciprocally affect or influence each other.
Examples: Paying back a friend who covered our dinner when we were short on cash, scheduling a meeting on someone’s calendar and them accepting, saying hello to a neighbor and getting a smile in return, negotiating a business deal.
1. Transaction has a broader definition than simply buying and selling. Our lives are dominated by convenient acts of buying and selling, appropriately called transactions, so we may forget that these acts represent a subset of the exchanges humans conduct daily. Transaction is an exchange, an interaction. We transact not only as consumers but also as friends, parents and collaborators. 
2. Transactions require trust. Throughout human history, we transacted with those that we had (varying degrees of) relationships with. Transactions were simply one part or the last mile, so to speak, of an ongoing engagement.
3. It’s only in the recent past that we’ve been able to transact “facelessly” with another. As more and more of the world opens up to us (more people, more internet-enabled tools, more geographies), we’ve leaned into the comfort of anonymity, distance, and low commitment. We exchange ideas, conversations and goods without any of the relational tethering that transactions and exchanges were historically built upon.

Relation: An existing connection or a significant association between two or more entities or objects.
Relational: The way in which these entities or objects are connected. Anything that is connected will have a cause and effect relationship. Push or pull on one object and you’ll create a reverberation within other related objects.
Examples: Collection of related data in a database; relationship between fertilizer, soil, and plant; our relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbors.
4. In every transaction, we look for markers of trust while interacting. Reviews, photos, fidelity of those reviews, public upvotes etc. Even when our tools our designed for the last mile of the engagement, i.e. the transactional part, we look for markers that are typically revealed over the course of a relationship.
5. Our businesses, tools and even societies are mostly designed for the last mile transaction, not the upstream relationship. Our workplaces, healthcare systems, communal areas, shopping, dating, communications – everything – is geared for convenience and efficiency so we can cram in even more transactions into our lives. Be productive, do more, be more. 
6. We thrive when transactions nest within a genuine relationship. We crave to know another and to be known by them, to offer our best and be valued for it. This is only possible if we shift our paradigm from seeing people and places as a means to an end to valuing connection as a fundamental end in itself.

Sustainable: Being able to maintain something at a certain rate or level over a period of time. Sustainable implies continuity for a long period of time.
7. Continued thriving in the long-term (i.e. the definition of sustainable), is possible only if we create relational societies, products, services, and mindsets. We can’t sustain joy, contentment and hope by endlessly taking and moving on. An overly transactional life weighs on our psyche. Thriving depends on nesting transactions back under their larger relational contexts, it depends on expanding our perspective to see human and environmental interconnectedness. In the absence of this, it’s easy to keep harming and depleting ourselves and our commons.

The gold-standard in business is to make our lives frictionless, so we can fit even more transactional handshakes in our cramped life, displacing the time we need to create relationships. So we get more and more seamless handshakes with more and more faceless and bodiless entities. Neighbors, coworkers, friends, all reduced to profile pictures, interests and demographic markers to ease the transaction. What nurtures us for the long-haul are the acts of being in relationship, not the endless transactions. We forget that we crave not just the hand but the whole body.  

“I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not complete this last one
but I will give myself to it.”  ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian poet and novelist.

#65: Coloring the work in our own colors

Two people doing the same work will do it differently. They will color the work with their context, perceptions, judgments and resulting actions. There are examples abound in our everyday lives but here are a few public ones from politics and business to clarify the point—Barak Obama and George W. Bush held the same office with the same supporting structures but their governments ran differently. Imagine if Steve Jobs built Amazon instead of Apple or Jeff Bezos built Facebook instead of Amazon. Those that follow these leaders and their unique styles might be able to extrapolate the kind of companies Amazon or Facebook might have been in this alternate universe. Each of these humans has unique strengths and blind spots given their life journey and wiring. It’s easy to see this blend—of strengths and failings, informed perspectives and gaps in understanding—in public figures because of their magnified influence on society and culture but these forces exist within each of us.

I’ve noticed however that when I care enough for something, I want to support it with all of my strengths and none of my failings. It’s how parents might feel when they hope to pass along all their good traits to their children but none of the suboptimal ones. But of course, this is impossible. The next generation pulls from the entirety of our genetics, DNA, capabilities and gaps. The same applies to work. Good work asks that we step forward as our whole selves which includes our ideas, perspectives, and strengths but also our blind spots and failings. Trying to surgically suppress our shadows only turns us into distorted and inauthentic caricatures of ourselevs. Also note that suppressing our limitations is different from understanding them, which is critical if we care about the impact of our presence and work.

The contradiction buried in a good life and good work is that we have to step forward completely with our blind spots and imperfections, and bring along a commitment to keep broadening our perspectives. We need the audacity to show up with all our warts and the humility to keep learning. The alternative is to just freeze and be paralyzed with fear of being proved imperfect, and this approach serves no one.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”― Maya Angelou: poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist.

#57: Anatomy of Love

Our very first interactions of love in life occur in relational contexts that have pretty clear social definitions and expectations. This is for obvious reasons. We come into this world as helpless little mammals and are completely reliant on our caregivers for an extended childhood. Our survival and growth require commitment from others and ourselves. Over time though, if we’re not careful, that primary focus on the I, me and myself can condition us with unhelpful expectations such that any divergence from our personal norm causes harsh judgement of others or ourselves.

Early on in life, we are often too young to see our elders as unique individuals, with their own histories, aches and dreams. We may see them through a very narrow and sometimes selfish relational lens. Of course wanting mutual affection, care and security is quite natural but I’m trying to parse out a speediness of judgment. As we grow up and expand our relational circles, we bring the weight of this conditioning to romantic and platonic relationships alike; a subtle thought pattern of “what have you done for me lately”. This isn’t something others do and I don’t. We all live inside a self-focused animal and it takes practice to stay tuned-in to these thoughts so we can bypass the divisive ones as they appear.

Life is complex so it’s useful to have relational mental models, but these unexamined shorthands can create blind spots. Everyone is teeming with individuality which has joyful and heavy parts. Everyone has an evolving inner world. Being in relationship with another, especially those relationships with a deeper flavor of love, requires us to see the nuanced individual outside of our own expectations. A moment to moment curiosity and openness for them and us especially in difficult interactions. Defaulting to “I can’t believe they said/did that” is less helpful than trying to understand why is it they said/did that. It takes resilience and generosity of spirit to start thinking like this when we are also down in the dumps but it’s worthy exercise if we care for someone.

Love is not magic. It is a practice. A practice of putting aside ego, assumptions, and relational expectations. A commitment to offering judgment-free attention. Of not getting offended or injuring them with retaliation when something difficult inevitably appears. We can behave this way with another only when we behave this way with ourselves, because we will repeatedly fail in this practice; and when we do, we have to practice all of the above with ourselves.

In this way, love is a lifelong practice of creating a moment to moment awareness in tandem, of them and us. Our closest bonds are the best arenas for this practice for they carry our heaviest expectations.

For my Tim, for 17 years of practice.

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new.” — Ursula K. Le Guin

#55: The units of society

I recently attended a wedding where the officiating minister spoke of the importance of the family unit. I’ve heard such words before but this moment felt different. Over the last few years, I have been reflecting on the importance of social structures and the deep and lasting impact of relationships on our lives; I see the clear impact on mine. I’ve faced the repeated loss of loved ones, and after each loss I noticed how my larger family rushed in immediately―like white blood cells―to heal the open wound. These recent experiences merged with my childhood memories of loss and love; of how my family slowly and steadily put my life back on track after the loss of my father. My aunts, uncles and cousins who stepped in with affection, guidance and resources to support my mother, siblings and me. The thousands of contributions that made my life what it is today. They taught me to care and hope; to make real and non-performative emotional bonds and show up for people. My life would’ve taken a very different turn without this family unit. To this day, they cherish my quirks and smallest wins, and offer solace in tough times. No matter what happens in life, I have comfort in the knowledge that I’ll have someone to turn to and they will have me. This is the unit of society that I grew up with: my big family and close friendships, my wolf-pack.

Then like most people, I flew the nest and created more units. I moved between countries and cities, and rebuilt my social units with every move. Close trusted friendships, neighbors, acquaintances, healthcare providers, favorite coffee shops and restaurants where they knew my name and tastes. I created my emotional and practical footprint and brought the wisdom, values and social behaviors of my wolf-pack to my new friendships. Others that encompassed this social footprint did the same and in turn made an imprint on me. Before we knew it, we had formed a subculture of care and belonging that was an amalgam of each of our histories. This is naturally how we humans move through life. We are raised in a social unit, where we learn to bond with and care for others. And over time, we become capable of extending this care to other relationships–friendships, partners, children, coworkers, acquaintances, and even strangers.

We may not realize, however, that our small and seemingly insignificant social units are the building block of society1 and culture2. 

Our small daily interactions create invisible ripple effects on many people and lives, and not just on those that experience our actions directly. How we interact at the gym, during a potluck dinner, while driving, at the watercooler at work, or in the comments section on YouTube can help build or deplete culture and society over the long term. We live in a constant state of osmosis and observe, absorb, react to and repeat one another’s behaviors; the culture we help build turns back around and impacts us in subtle and obvious ways.

We may not realize that we have the power to determine how others experience life and vice versa. That it’s an endless give and take. That it’s important to become intentional about our everyday interactions and the tone we are feeding our own different units of society.

  1. Society: Involves persistent social interaction between individuals and groups that share the same spatial or social territory, typically subject to the same dominant cultural expectations. Societies are characterized by patterns of relationships between individuals who share a distinctive culture and institutions. A given society may be described as the sum total of such relationships among its members.
  2. Culture: The beliefs, social behaviors, norms and practices of members of a society.

“Society is a dialectic phenomenon in that it is a human product, and nothing but a human product, that yet continuously acts back upon its producer.” ― Peter L. Berger

#54: The container of love

My summer vacations growing up were some of the most memorable times of my life; surrounded by the voices, laughter, and tears of cousins of all ages. My uncle was an esteemed general in the Border Security Force, a part of the Indian armed forces and the largest border guarding force in the world. So every summer, between 7 to 11 kids would descend on the sprawling military campus wherever in the country our uncle was posted. Together we concocted endless escapades that were sometimes fun and sometimes injurious but always memorable.

During these visits, we also got valuable exposure to a mix of Indian cultures and places—the jeep excursions into the rainforests and waterfalls of Shillong, through lush mountains of Jammu & Kashmir, and over desert landscapes of Leh and Bikaner. The farm picnics in Punjab next to gushing tube wells and the endless cold coffees with ice cream. The parties that went late into the night, set to an eclectic mix of music, surrounded by handsome uniformed men with impeccable bearing, and charming women in beautiful saris. Adults with technicolor stories from their saturated, adventure-filled, lives. This only begins to get into the nooks of experiences we had as a pack of kids. Each experience became a cherished lifelong memory and a shared language of connection, a brick in the strong foundation of love upon which our current lives sit.

Then there was this other sad and distressing side to life…when my mom, siblings and I went back home, acutely aware of the gaping hole my father’s death had left in our lives. The sustained psychological and financial impact of losing him weighed us down. The impact that could have completely decimated our lives. But what kept it together is the genuine and lifelong support of family; of my aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins who with their simple everyday acts of warmth created the strongest sea wall that no tsunami of pain could dismantle. With every wave of grief and financial lack that tore at us, they added more stones, more boulders, more cement. No single action might stick out to an observer, they might just note a family hanging out together, but to those of us inside this cocoon of love—especially those marred by grief—these moments of togetherness were profound gifts of care. It’s the stuff you read about in extraordinary tales of love, the stuff they make movies about.

What allowed these actions to germinate was a thoughtfully and lovingly created container. A physical and emotional space that set the ground rules of who was welcome (everybody), how they were treated (like old friends with compassion and generosity), and the tone of everyday life (one of patience, care and adventure). And the people who were instrumental in creating this space for all of us kids were my aunt and uncle, who I started seeing as my second set of parents. My aunt gave me courage and unconditional love, fended off juvenile attacks from my siblings and cousins, and squarely had my back…even when I was the troublemaker. My uncle epitomized courage, sociability and intellectual curiosity—whether about geopolitics, travel or farming. Both were examples of patience and unmatched generosity. Despite the adulation and professional respect he received daily, nobody was too young, old or poor for my uncle to engage with. And while we kids crawled all over his house, he was out there addressing some of the most violent terrorism in the world.

My uncle passed away recently, leaving an enormous legacy of love and impact. Even as our family reverberates with pain, each of us is grateful to have his rare example of care and generosity. There are many generals in the world, but we had our very own Clark Kent with a superhuman combination of strength, integrity, love and humility. We all looked up to him. He was also charismatic and astonishingly handsome. We are blessed to have a first hand blueprint of a very well-lived life. 

Everyone has ancestral lineages, influences and teachings. Mine brim with exemplary love, care and true accompaniment that make a life worth living. Life’s rhythms create busyness and we sometimes forget the nurture that was passed down to us. The last few weeks have brought my family visceral remembrance. No matter where we live in the world, my pack of aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and nephews have acknowledged my uncle’s container of love in amazingly similar terms. My wish for us is that we embody his traits as we move through life, that we welcome everyone like he did and create a sense of meaningful connection, curiosity and joy wherever we go. That we go on creating more and more containers of love. 

“Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”— Abraham Lincoln

In loving memory of Ravinder Singh Mehta, our real-life Clark Kent.

Seattle, September 2018